I am the problem | Suicidal after domestic abuse

Sherida Pinas shares her thoughts during a dark time in her life. “I was filled with shame. About the sexual abuse when I was 19, about my marriage that was going so badly. I didn’t talk to anyone about it. Deep inside me, was the thought: I am the problem.”

“For a long time I didn’t dare talk to anyone about it. I had buried the abuse so deeply that I could pretend it couldn’t affect me. I was ashamed of the mess in my marriage. I blamed myself for my husband cheating on me and abusing me. I started to lose myself more and more and isolate myself. Afraid of the reaction and advice of others; why don’t you just leave, you’re guilty yourself or you see… “

“I remember a day when I really couldn’t take it anymore. I had packed my bag and decided to find a quiet spot in the woods to step out of life. On the way I met people who asked how I was doing, which was special, because that never happened normally. In a daze I crossed the road without looking; a car braked and brought me out of my trance. The question that kept coming back to my head: Who will take care of my children later? I decided to go back home anyway.”

“I had nightmares at night, always on the run. I had just had my second child and was completely exhausted. I asked my GP for sleeping pills, but he looked at me and said: there is more going on here. I am still grateful for that. He referred me to a psychologist who helped me see how much trauma I had experienced. It was only when I started sharing that I started to heal.”

“As a mother, I wanted to be strong, so I suppressed my emotions. The anger, fear and sadness eventually came out, through panic attacks, heart palpitations and headaches. From the moment I started talking, I felt so much weight lifted from my shoulders. Conversations with friends and family also made my heavy backpack a little lighter.”

Sherida is a singer and therapist. “Music can be so healing. Making and listening to music releases joy hormones and allows you to get closer to your own emotions. I wrote the song Dark Times about the time I was struggling with suicidal thoughts.”

“One day, an argument with my husband about his infidelity got completely out of hand. My children were there, and as I lay on the floor and heard my daughter scream, ‘Stop,’ I knew: this can’t go on. I decided to keep living — for my children and for myself. Death wasn’t the answer; I had to start over.”

“I had to find out who I really was. For a long time I believed the lies that I was worthless. What helped me was reading the Bible. I learned how God sees me: I am loved, healed, accepted and forgiven. Forgiving myself was the hardest part. Why had I stayed in that unhealthy situation for so long? By constantly repeating the Bible texts, I really started to believe them. I am worth living.”