I am the problem | Suicidal after domestic abuse
"When I'm gone, everyone can go on with their lives. I failed as a mother, as a daughter, as a wife. A real failure. It's better for everyone when I'm gone. And then I'll finally have peace."
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Sherida Pinas shares her thoughts during a dark time in her life. “I was filled with shame. About the sexual abuse when I was 19, about my marriage that was going so badly. I didn’t talk to anyone about it. Deep inside me, was the thought: I am the problem.”
“For a long time I didn’t dare talk to anyone about it. I had buried the abuse so deeply that I could pretend it couldn’t affect me. I was ashamed of the mess in my marriage. I blamed myself for my husband cheating on me and abusing me. I started to lose myself more and more and isolate myself. Afraid of the reaction and advice of others; why don’t you just leave, you’re guilty yourself or you see… “
Who will take care of my children?
“I remember a day when I really couldn’t take it anymore. I had packed my bag and decided to find a quiet spot in the woods to step out of life. On the way I met people who asked how I was doing, which was special, because that never happened normally. In a daze I crossed the road without looking; a car braked and brought me out of my trance. The question that kept coming back to my head: Who will take care of my children later? I decided to go back home anyway.”
Sharing is healing.
“I had nightmares at night, always on the run. I had just had my second child and was completely exhausted. I asked my GP for sleeping pills, but he looked at me and said: there is more going on here. I am still grateful for that. He referred me to a psychologist who helped me see how much trauma I had experienced. It was only when I started sharing that I started to heal.”
“As a mother, I wanted to be strong, so I suppressed my emotions. The anger, fear and sadness eventually came out, through panic attacks, heart palpitations and headaches. From the moment I started talking, I felt so much weight lifted from my shoulders. Conversations with friends and family also made my heavy backpack a little lighter.”
Sherida is a singer and therapist. “Music can be so healing. Making and listening to music releases joy hormones and allows you to get closer to your own emotions. I wrote the song Dark Times about the time I was struggling with suicidal thoughts.”
I want to live
“One day, an argument with my husband about his infidelity got completely out of hand. My children were there, and as I lay on the floor and heard my daughter scream, ‘Stop,’ I knew: this can’t go on. I decided to keep living — for my children and for myself. Death wasn’t the answer; I had to start over.”

Who am I now?
“I had to find out who I really was. For a long time I believed the lies that I was worthless. What helped me was reading the Bible. I learned how God sees me: I am loved, healed, accepted and forgiven. Forgiving myself was the hardest part. Why had I stayed in that unhealthy situation for so long? By constantly repeating the Bible texts, I really started to believe them. I am worth living.”
Listen, hug and say: “I am here for you, how can I help?” You don’t need to have solutions, just be there. Find appropriate professional help together.

Breaking the chains
Have you felt like you would never get over the pain of betrayal? Sherida Pinas shares her personal story of hope after experiencing heartbreak from the breakdown of her marriage in this YouVersion reading plan.
Sherida overcame partner betrayal, physical abuse, and emotional abuse. Her testimony will inspire you to find hope in the midst of the storm of heartbreak, using the Word of God as a guide.
Start the conversation
Recognize Sherida's struggle? As she says herself: sharing is healing. Start the conversation and share what's on your mind.